With that being said, a lady can only make so much fun of adults with second grade reading levels. You know?
I am all about helping out the less fortunate, so I decided to give you some helpful hints and guidelines to follow when sending me (or anyone, for that matter) hatemail. This also applies to leaving comments.
Ready to begin?
~cracks knuckles~
First things first...
HOMOPHONES.
You're. Your. Yore.
To. Too. Two.
Lose. Loose.
Learn the differences, dumbasses. Seriously.
Example: Your such an idiot and a real bitch to. Looser!
When I receive an email like this I automatically believe you wear a helmet and velcro shoes because you simply must be retarded to type that. Unless you mean to imply that I am, in fact, looser, then you nailed that part.
I don't want to overstep my bounds here or anything, but may I suggest putting down the beer bong and picking up a dictionary? Or even paying a visit to dictionary.com? All you need is at least one sausage finger to work it, give it a whirl.
Let's see what happens when we know how to use words:
Corrected: You're such an idiot, and a bitch too. Loser!
Ahhh, that's better now. See it's not so hard! No excuses now, cumsack, no excuses.
Ready to forge ahead? Next up...
IDLE THREATS
This section applies to gems such as "I am going to sue you for being so mean"* or "I am going to have your website shut down" and even "I am going to kill you"**.
Yawn.
We've all heard it before, sweet pea.
Idle threats make me chuckle. And do you know why that pisses me off? Because every time I chuckle I piss my pants a little.
So knock it the fuck off already. Or I will have your email carrier revoke your email account.
*= Actual email was from a teenager who claimed her father was a lawyer and she was going to have him sue me and shut down my site because I was, get this, mean. And I believe her actual phrasing was she was going to "sew" me. Yeah.
**= Like people who threaten that would actually use their welfare cash to purchase an airline ticket (instead of purchasing pot and double stuffed Oreos) and actually be resourceful enough to find me.
Moving on, moving on...
ABBREVIATIONS
Abbreviations are freaking awesome when used appropriately. But when they are used out of sheer laziness, I have a problem with them.
Example of the right way: The nurse gave Mr. Smith his lab results, saying "The Dr. says you have the clap".
Example of the wrong way: u r so stupid
Okay, let me get this straight. I want to wrap my head around this. Your sausage fingers cannot type the extra two letters in a 3 letter word? Seriously?
I especially love "2" instead of "to". That extra letter is a fucking killer, isn't it? It just takes way too much extra time to type a tee and an o, doesn't it?
Correction: "You are so stupid."
I only used four extra letters. And will you look at that, I still had enough time left to use a period.
I think that is enough for now. I don't want to run the risk of the hater's poor lone brain cell having a meltdown or anything. Do you think they will comprehend this? I guess we will have 2 wait and c.
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